Admit it. If you're a gamer, and you go to ANY movie, you equate it into gaming terms. Well, except for the movies like 'The Bridges of Madison County,' I'd guess. (Though maybe, somewhere, a very sad DM piped up with, "Hey, if the wife had an affair with Clint Eastwood, does that mean she's Chaotic Good instead of Lawful Good?") Actually, it would be better to say if a gamer goes to see any sci-fi/action/fantasy movie, they tend to equate it into gaming terms. I know I don't, but for the sake of arguement and this article, let's say I do.

Recently, a friend of mine brought over The Mummy on DVD, claiming it to be "The best thing since Casablanca!" Just kidding. I doubt he's ever seen or probably even heard of Casablanca. I should note that even the closest I've come is seeing "A Night in Casablanca," which starred the Marx Brothers and had Groucho commenting he needed to wind his watch. Heh, heh. At any rate, our lack of knowledge about the cinema classics complete, we popped it in the ol' player and I turned my Gamer's Eye upon it.

First, I tried to peg what gaming system the movie (or "adventure") is being set in. For The Mummy, it posed no problem. I had it pegged right off for Gamma World, until my friend pointed out that this movie was set in 1940's Eygpt and didn't feature robots, post-apocalyptic settings, or talking lizardmen anywhere. Quite frankly, that was a bit of a spoiler for me and if it was for you, I apologize. I later revised my theory to that someone was going for a historical Beyond the Supernatural session. For the unaware, BtS is a clever little game by Erick Wujcik (pronounced "Smith") that predates the X-Files by a lot, and was put out by Palladium "If we release within a year of when we said we would, we're doing good" Games. Sadly, Palladium stopped making it when they instituted their "Big Robot Quota" rule. You need a certain number of Big Robots (or, barring that, Cool Power Armor) in each book, and if you fail to meet these standards, the line is cut. How the Palladium Fantasy RPG squeaks by, I haven't a clue.

Anyway, Mummy's plot revolves around most every BtS game I've been in. A mean ol' supernatural mama-jama is released accidentally on purpose, and it's up to a hapless group of idi... er, players to put it back/destroy it/etc. Now, the group's Fighter was obviously designed by one of those gamers who makes THE same darn type of character every game. You know the one. He's too cool for his own good, and muscles through the game because he is too cool. Though roundly a jerk, he makes the female lead (in this case, an NPC because God knows know female gamer I know would ever put up with it) fall in love with him just by kissing her forcibly. That works. If I had a nickel for everytime *I* tried that and it didn't work, well I'd be... straying from my point. It's like playing Han Solo, but without the redeeming features that made Han cool. Obviously the GM had trouble finding players to get THIS guy, and go to such extreme efforts to keep the loser. I say throw the bum out and put up a notice at your local gamestore with "Looking For Gamers."

The Magic User in the game takes the form of an Eygptian Head Priest, and it's apparent HIS player needs to do a bunch of research. Though once upon time the character might've been "heroic," it's my vague understanding that to be heroic is to NOT condone killing as many innocent as necessary because the need is great. You try and find other ways around it. Unless you're playing Paranoia, of course. But since that wasn't the original intent, it doesn't count. The Magic User's player also kind of broke character at the end with a hearty "Allah be with you," after professing for much of the film to be a worshipper of the old gods. Good, solid folk like Anubis and Osiris. Of course, I'm sure the session was quite long and probably tiring (at least mind-numbing), so it could be forgiven in this case.

The Thief's player decided to take a different turn and do something different, a burnt-out RAF pilot. His efforts at trying to salvage something of the adventure was in vain, I'm sad to say. He was constantly mocked and made to seem like a world-class goober, apparently because he was trying to live up to that Lawful Good alignment (or Scrupulous for Strict Palladiumites). In fact, I'm sure the player was GLAD to see his character die, which meant he could go home early and let the Fighter and the Magic User cooties go on about their business. Of course, even his death was played for yuks. Sad, really.

And the GM. Oh, the GM. It is admirable to try and work real history into your game, but if you do, MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR FACTS STRAIGHT. To wit: the "10 Plagues of Eygpt?" that you apparently picked up from opening a Bible at some point in your life? There were seven. And the worst was NOT sores and boils. It was the death of every firstborn at midnight. Of course, since it was apparent most of his players had the IQ of an overripe grapefruit, I doubt they noticed. The players also apparently missed something *I* would picked up and tried to use against his main bad guy, which was six or seven jars probably holding the mummy's organs. Either the GM realized that would've been too easy away out, or just forgot. I give up. (Editor's note: I'd have just hidden everyone in a cat shelter until we found a way to kill the Mummy. Cause he was afraid of cats, y'see.)

It was apparent only the Thief tried at all in this adventure. The GM, Magic User and Fighter were all annoying and clueless, often both at the same time. While the main monster, the mummy, was nice, and the GM described it well, that was about it. The GM should be warned it's bad to let your players topple too many god-like critters though, or they get cocky and sloppy. Oops! Too late there, sorry.

Maybe it could've done with a Giant Robot, and the GM is planning to use it in his next Eygptian adventure, The Mummy II: Gundams and Scorpion Kings, with a character based off a popular pro-wrestler. That'll bring 'em back to the table.

Matt Dawg made Pieter laugh so hard, he spit up his Mountain Dew.