04/08/01: Life's Lessons: Thoughts on Friendship
by Sass Mun

I have written and rewritten this column more than once the last month. It delves into a subject that can be touchy to some. Friendship. I wanted to write about this subject because recently many things in my life have given me pause to think about it. What do I mean when I say someone is a friend? And the more important question to me is, am I a good friend? Both to those I call friend in my real life and those I call friend on line. In my opinion, the same principals should hold true.

It has taken many years for me to come to the conclusion that I do indeed need to work on my friendship skills.

Friendship is a two way street, and sometimes I think many of us tend to forget this. I know I have. To have a friend you need to also BE a friend. It is nice to know that there are people there for us, but we also need to be there for our friends when they need us as well. I suppose the best way to convey what I am trying to get across is to use a couple of personal experiences.

I have a good friend on line (we will call him Frank) who I at one time I held in suspect of being a ‘not so nice’ person. I held that idea in my head until I had cause to interact with ‘Frank’ first hand. I let others rumors jade my opinion of him. However, once I got to know him, I found that those rumors were indeed wrong! Not only wrong, but unfortunately propagated by people who had one time called themselves friend to him! Some of their dealings with their friend ‘Frank’ had revolved around business. When business decision were made that did not favor them (in other words, give them preferential treatment) or had caused business related discipline actions, these so called friends turned their backs on ‘Frank’ and began to spread rumors about this person. I have had to listen to people on line say things about ‘Frank’, based on these rumors, or on their own experience with him as a friend. It has ALWAYS boiled down to the basic ‘I got my feelings hurt, so I am going to hurt him back’ mentality. I always defend ‘Frank’ when others bring the subject up. Why? Because I am mature enough to know that sometimes, when it boils down to business, friends can NOT give other friends preferential treatment! This does NOT mean they are no longer our friend. This means they had to do what they had to do, and as THEIR friend we should respect that!

I have another friend (we will call her Alice) whom I have been friends with for a long time. Recently, the only time she ever calls is when she needs something. ‘Alice’ does not have a job nor does she go to school. She has plenty of time with which to call me just to chit chat, to ask for me to come pick her up so we can have coffee or talk. Since she does not have a car, I do not mind picking her up and running her places. Or I should say I did not used to mind it. But it dawned on my a couple months ago that this was the only time she ever called me any more. When I asked her about it, she insisted it was not true, only to call me two days later to ask for a ride, and one day after that to ask the same thing, and a day after that to ask for a reference so she could move into a apartment with her sister (which I gave her). She has yet, in the last three months called me unless she wished me to take her somewhere or do something for her. Is she a good friend to me? No, because friendship is a two way street. I stopped giving her rides every time she called. She does not call any more. Apparently, She only wanted me for a free taxi service? However, IF she were to ever call and ask when we could get together and talk, I would be more than glad to find time to do so.

One last example and maybe you will understand. I recently quit a job I had done for the last year and a half where I worked for a friend of mine. We fought, as friends will do sometimes, I the conclusion was made that maybe I needed to choose between my friendship with her and my job. I choose the friendship. A few weeks later, she fired my boyfriend, who also worked with her. Though I though it was highly unfair, and I do not agree with her method of doing business (and she knows this because I have told her so in the past), I still remained her friend. We talked, we even sat and drank coffee occasionally together and gossiped a bit. When customers who knew me from her place of business asked me why I did not work for her any more, I simply told them we had a fight and decided our friendship was more important. I have repeated said good things about her business, as well as about her. People in the industry have said she is difficult to work for. I have returned with ‘you just have to know her and not take anything she says personal’, which is true. But being her friend made it difficult not to. About a week ago I found out she had been saying some things about me as well. However, they were NOT good things! When I confronted her with this, she swore she had not done so. She lied. I do not believe I shall be calling her for coffee again.

While I may not always be the perfect friend, I do believe there are certain things you need in order to have good friends. Honest is the most important of all! Forgiveness is next in line, because lets face it, as humans we are not perfect people and prone to making a mistake or two once in awhile. And lastly, you have to know that in order to have a good friend, you should BE a good friend! Not just now and then, but all the time. Never expect something of a friend, but be sincerely grateful when a friend does something for you. Be ready to do something back for them when and if they ever need you. Good friends are hard to find, both on and off line! Remember to never take a true friend for granted, you may find yourself without any if you do.

Thanks for sharing, Sass!